I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
