Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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