my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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