I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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