just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
