dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
