Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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