I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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