im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Come see our sink grown plant.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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