we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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