remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
