Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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