i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
