it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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