I didn't shave. On purpose
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
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