too bad you live with your parents still
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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