So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
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