sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
