Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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