so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Randomize
