I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
