you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
We smell like vodka and hangover
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