I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
