I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
