So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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