Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
