My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I think I died a long time ago.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
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