How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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