She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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