Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I have fence marks all over my body
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
