two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
we're so committed to being not committed
Randomize
