I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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