yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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