I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Randomize
