Nicole vs. Life
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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