god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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