I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
