just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
