Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Dignity is for republicans.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Pants are for mortals
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Randomize
