I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
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