i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
