I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
