Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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