She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Every concussion has its silver lining
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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