the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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