Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
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