6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
