there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
