thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
