so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
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