Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
