Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Randomize
