Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
