If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
