Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
