Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize