I wish my penis had an off switch
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
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