somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
