Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
