So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
