Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
