did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
